


Eli Wallace, Intergalactic Man of Mystery

by lunabee34 (Lorraine)



Category: Stargate Universe
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 19:04:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorraine/pseuds/lunabee34
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pure crack written directly after watching the pilot</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eli Wallace, Intergalactic Man of Mystery

"I do not look like Jonah Hill," Eli says.

Dr. Rush looks up from the console. "You rather do." He presses a button that causes a slight tremor in the lighting and the materialization of an artifact mere inches from Eli's left foot. "If you've finished exhausting pop culture references, we've got work to do."

"What?" Eli says under his breath. "Convince the crew you're not a megalomaniac obsessed with the success of his own pet theories who cries into the night over the unfortunate deaths of beautiful women who were unlucky enough to both date him and disagree with him?"

"Pardon?" Dr. Rush says.

"I said, what's this?" Eli uncoils the artifact.

Dr. Rush scrutinizes the Ancient Object for long minutes that they can hardly afford to waste. "It appears to be a garden hose," he says, and proceeds to spray down the gunked up Ancient air mechanism. This doesn't work which surprises Eli; in his experience, if you just beat the air conditioning filter against the wall for awhile, it's totally good as new. 

Lt. Scott shows up with Eli's camo and his wicked awesome hat (which he is totally gonna wear backwards, y'all), and Eli just can't decide how to proceed. He thinks, "Scott is hot, but he's into that chick he was fucking in the supply closet in the flashback. Clearly, fraternization is SOP for this mission. Greer probably murdered intergalactic babies and is therefore unacceptable as booty call material. Chloe and I just watched her dad die together which is not quite the same as watching Bruce Willis bite it for the same reasons in _Armageddon_. Face it, Wallace, Rush is your best bet, and that's if you can stomach the staring off rhapsodically into space and ordering you around while selfishly keeping all the good intel to himself trend he's got going here." Eli keeps step with Scott all the way to the Gate and catches Colonel Young's eye as he boards the ramp. "Or there's Young. He's got issues with Medic Johansen, but I think I can really show him how to get the feeling back in his toes."

Oh, yeah. This is shaping up to be one hell of an adventure. If Eli can just keep the crew from calling him an endearing version of Rodney McKay, he can be satisfied with his Destiny.


End file.
